Transformation
by notawordsmith
Summary: Edward has already suffered one transformation, from human to vampire.  Could this new transformation be even more painful that that?  How will he survive?  Will he survive?  EPOV


**A/N Well here is EPOV on my first fan fic "How far will you run?",(Based on NM after he leaves Bella). When I wrote the first story, Edward just wouldn't let up and pretty much made me sit at my comp all day to finish it. I've done my best to make it perfect (grammar, spelling, punctuation and what not), but a critical eye is always better. Love it or loathe it, let me know what you think. **

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** Transformation**

Another painful change. I wondered how long this one would take as my body twisted into agonising shapes, wondered if I could survive this one as successfully as I survived the change from human to vampire. Doubt coursed through my veins as the memory of Bella's last touch burned and ached miserably. I wasn't sure I wanted to survive this time. Not if I couldn't have her.

A tormented scream escaped my lips, a howl that didn't feel completely my own. It had to be my own though, as that's all I had left. All I had. I was completely alone, abandoning everything that felt right and good and wonderful in my world. But I had to. I had to keep her safe. I needed to do it. _ No damn it! I needed her_! my mind snarled back.

Grabbing all the music from my shelves I shattered them to pieces. There would be no music in my life now, no sweet melodies to carry me through my long days. I clawed at my side, trying to hold myself together as I was sure I was about to fly apart. My world was spinning out of control so fast, I needed to do something to ground me. I rammed my fist into my couch, feeling satisfaction at the splintery crack. The moment lasted only fleetingly as I dropped to my knees, hurt and disgust rising like bile in the back of my throat. Damned. How could I give her a damned life? How could I grasp my beautiful, crystal angel and throw her in the darkest pits of hell with me? I couldn't. I wouldn't. I would set my angel free. She would fly in the heavens where she was meant to be whilst I wallowed in the stagnant pits of hell.

Unable to stop the transformation; unable to contain the beast of severed love inside me any longer, I roared again, hoping against all hope that this time the monster would kill me. Or if not, take all the memories that would condemn me to a much slower death.

A knock. A pause. A slow opening of a door. My wild and frantic eyes darted to the movement as the door slowly glided open. Perhaps this was the monster come to take me? I bowed my head in admittance and laid prostrate on the floor, silently begging for an end to my eternal pain.

A whiff of maternal perfume and two loving arms came to me and cradled me. Splinters of music tumbled out of my hair as she ruffled it, sighing sadly. I snarled and spat in her embrace. I did not want maternal love, a pale shadow of the love I so casually tossed aside. Shame flooded me for being so cruel to my own mother. I sobbed and gasped relentlessly, fearing I would tear in two.

"Oh my child." Her words fell like soothing rain on the fiery heat of my madness. She tried valiantly to hug the pieces of me back together. Perhaps she was trying to give me a piece of her love to hold on to? She always had so much to give.

"Oh dear, dear, Edward. You do not have to do this you know. You could go back to her. It would be ok."

My body fled to the otherside of the room before my brain could process such delicious damnation.

"NO!" My mind reeled, and I shook my head to collected my thoughts. They were as broken and splintered as the destruction that lay around me. How could I get my mother to understand? That this was an act of kindness, no matter how tortured and wretched I looked.

"I can't do that to Bella. If I leave, she is safe. I'm no good for her!" I pleaded. " No harm can come to her if I'm not around, no one will want her..."

The shock of the last thought brought me to my knees. How far removed had my mind and love become? I clawed at my skin, trying to grasp the memories of her last touch upon it, so soft and sweet. A gaping hole tore through my chest as I watched in my mind's eye her horror as I struggled though my last goodbye. I burned. Burned with the need for her, a need stronger than any thirst I had ever had in this stony exsistance. My childish, greedy need to run back to her, tell her it was all a lie and beg for forgiveness almost overwhelmed me.

But she would not have me. Shame nailed me to the floor as I remembered my callous goodbye. I raised my eyes in salute to the cruel mistress of fate and laughed at my own irony. Nobody would want her? There wasn't a force dead or alive that wanted her more than me.

The rustle of silk brought me out of my self pity and I held up my hand in refusal. I didn't want Esme to save me. Only thoughts of Bella could save me now.

My lips twisted into a slight grin as the memories of Bella; in her angelic form, soothed my chaotic mind. She would live now, I was sure of it. She would be free of pain. Free of my hellish world, with all it's faults and failings. Free of the golden cage I had so willfully weaved around her heart and soul, with rules no mortal could ever obey. The cage was around me alone now, and I would bare it, with memories of her flying free as my reward.

"I'll be ok. Bella will be ok. This pain is my own now. She's free." I prayed these words would ease my mother's mind; I did not want to hurt another.

Her silence confused me. Too ashamed for all that I had done, I gently read my mother's thoughts, berating myself for being man enough to meet her eyes with mine.

Her panic and confusion drowned me. My mind bobbed for air as I frantically looked for a life raft of rational thought. _ Did he not know? Had he not seen the visions?_ whirled passed me and were gone in an instant. _ Had I not known what? Had I not seen WHAT?_

I grabbed my mother in an instant and pressed into her thoughts, anxiety flashing briefly at the brutish way I held her arms. I could not see any more than I did at a distance, the raging flood was still there, but I now knew who had caused it and that was enough. Alice.

"ALICE!" I roared, not caring if the monster or me got to her first, I roughly shoved my mother aside and tore down the stairs. Jasper must of alerted them to my demonic desires or perhaps Alice, for they had performed a barrier around her. Them against me. She looked so serene sitting on that couch that it galled me, I only hope my sulfuric looks would turn her to cinders and ash.

"What can you see?"

"Whatever can you mean, O brother of mine?" she waxed theatrically. I would have done almost anything to have a chance to rip Alice's tongue from her insolent little head.

Emmett moved protectively towards her, his usual big goofy expression was soft and sad. My jealousy burned. He had nothing to be sad about, his eternal flame blazed mere inches away from his strong touch. My eternal flame blazed eons away, or perhaps extinguished by my thoughtless and cruelty.

"Y'know you told Alice to stay out of Bella's future." He had a look of holding a live grenade, hopefully teasing the pin back into it's rightful place. "We thought you wouldn't want to know."

My patience was at an end, the beast had won. It bellowed in frustration and impatience.

"Know WHAT!" The beast's question roared through my jaws.

Alice's eyes dropped to her lap, and my stomach went with it. Her brow was furrowed and her eyes squeezed shut. Was she shutting out the vision in her head, or the vision of me, her brother, lost and mad with grief?

This inner turmoil settled my rage a little, and with what small slip of sanity I had I reached for her. She was struggling with something, but what? What could be more frightening than what I had already endured and would endure into infinity? Was she choosing her prose with care, trying to find a way to will me back to Bella?

The words floated tentatively in the air, like fragile glass that would shatter and slice open my thoughts and feelings the minute they reached my ears.

"Bella has nightmares." Her eyes looked hollow and wide with despair. "She screams in the night when you do."

My mind reared up and punched it's way into Alice's visions. It had to be a mistake. _ It must be a mistake_, I reasoned with myself. I paid no thought to Alice's wince and thrashed around in the darkness of her mind, looking for redemption, or damnation.

My knee hit the end of Bella's bed and I winced. There she was, my beautiful Bella asleep upon her bed. But was she asleep? She twisted and turned before me, hands clutching at her pillow, sheets mangled around her as she desperately tried to hold on to them. What on earth was she dreaming? Fate was a cruel mistress and I spat at her, for not allowing me the gift to see into Bella's mind. Perhaps, I thought dismally, that it was a kindness, knowing full well I would turn to dust in the presents of such perfect thoughts.

Her brow furrowed; oh how I wished to kiss it away, and her perfect lips, one source of my pleasure snarled in front of me in a grimace of pain. I desperately wanted to yell out to her, to let her know that I was here, protecting her, and that everything would be ok even if we were apart. I screamed, hoping that she would hear my pleas and free herself from this self imposed guilt and pain.

I watched in terror as my scream raced from her perfect lips.

Horror was the only thing on my mind as I tumbled out of Alice's thoughts. Familar faces gazed upon me with sorrow and concern. Alice flashed a vision of triumph towards me as punishment. She was sure I would go back to Bella now.

But how could I? I knew I could attune to people I loved from a distance, but did this mean that I had somehow warped my angel's human mind? Was the will I forced upon her not only just physical? Did the dazzle and lure of my kind now extend to forcing my pain and agony out of her luscious throat?

I had to get away. Get so far away that I couldn't mentally force my will upon her anymore. So that my pain would once again be truly my own.

Racing up the stairs I planned what I would pack. There would be no lasting goodbye. I had to make a clean break. A clean break? Gallow's humour stabbed the pit of my stomach as I laughed bitterly. I was getting good at clean breaks now.

I gave no thought to the intruder as I hastily shoved a few possession into my bag.

"Where are you going?" Carlise's warm rational thoughts infused me. _Not Carlise's logic now!_ my brain hissed. He was always the best at winning arguments with me. I could never fault his reasoning. Thank goodness the beast had not put me in a reasonable mood.

"I've got to go." I protested feebly, too caught up in the world of passports, credit cards and final destinations to explain. I just hope he'd understand. "I have to get far enough away that I can't hurt Bella anymore."

The shattered couch creaked as my father sat upon it, the weight of the world looked like it rested upon his shoulders. It didn't. It rested on mine. His scent rested in my nostrils as he ran tired fingers through his hair. I had forgotten how hard it had been on everyone else. Soon it would end.

"Where will you run to?" I heard my father's plea, the strain in his voice over the pain of not being able to fight my battle this time made it thin and weak. "Where is far enough away?"

His quiet presence stilled me as I thought of where to go. My mind was blank. "I don't know." I replied honestly. "But wherever it is I will find it. I owe Bella at least that much."

His sigh of acceptance washed over me as he handed me the familar little silver phone. At least someone understood. My dad was used to soothing away pain and mending wounds. He would heal my family. There was no salvation for me.

His firm, warm grasp around my hands as I took the phone supported me. I raised my tired eyes to meet his. There was nothing but love in those eyes. He would spare me his pain. He would shield me from the others. I was grateful.

"You know this is going to upset your mother and siblings?" He chided gently, trying so hard to stem my loss, his caring for others is only purpose.

"I know."

Events of moments before spilled past and filled me with disappointment. I was to be his prodigy and I had failed him so miserably. I had no right to be called his son. So badly did I want his approval, but I was running away. Running away instead of standing and tending to the open, messy wounds that I had created.

"Can you forgive me for being so cowardly?"

"Cowardly?" Carlise eyes were wide with surprised. His thoughts of his own selfish greed towards my mother and how he could never let her go no matter what pain he inflicted upon her filled my head. The thoughts of pride he felt at my decision bathed me with calm as pictured the next phrase in his head. I will never forget the words he said to me that night as I prepared for the beginning of my end.

"Son, I think you are the strongest vampire amongst us. Even stronger than me."

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**A/N: I'm pretty sure this one's going to be longer, there's more of the story Edward wants to tell. However his angsty little thoughts in my head have tired me out, so I'm going to switch to a dirty little ditty of Emmett's. **

_Shut up Emmett, you're not getting a party until your story's done. _

**I'm pretty sure Edward wants to tell that story his way too,**(control freak)**, we'll just have to wait and see.**

**R&R and all that jazz.**

_No Jasper_ *sighs* I have no idea what goes on in your fuzzy little head. Back in your box.


End file.
